What Little Food Grows Here Is Tough And Tasteless
by EaterOfWaffles
Summary: ...The people even more so. Oneshots, because everyone else is doing it.
1. Let Me Guess, You Got A Headache

"Hit your head against that rock."

"Why?"

Stoic stared in disbelief at his son, "What?"

"Why should I hit my head against a rock?" Hiccup was only four, but he already seemed so much like his mother, who happened to be watching the scene with amusement from their house, "It doesn't make any sense."

"How could it not make sense?"

"Well," the boy started, "I get enough headaches when Snotlout and Tuffnut throw stuff at my head. If I hit the rock with my head, I'll just get ANOTHER headache."

Back in the house, his mother was cracking up laughing at the look on her husband's face. It wasn't often Hiccup talked back to Stoic, but he made a good point whenever he did.

"And," Hiccup continued, "If you haven't noticed, I'm the human equivalent of a stick. I can't even lift the rock."

As if to check his son's theory, Stoic picked up the reasonably sized rock single-handedly and put it in Hiccup's arms. It immediately fell although the boy tried to catch it.

"See?"

"But you don't need to lift it to hit your head against it."

"But you still haven't explained why I need to hit my head against the rock."

"I don't need to explain; that's the point!"

"What point?"

"Will you quit stalling!"

"But it's pretty much the only thing I'm good at!"


	2. They Took My Son

**AN: This is kind of depressing, but I thought it was good.**

**To explain a little, The Oceanic Six is a group formed of Alex Carpenter (The Remus Lupins), Jason Munday (Ministry of Magic) and Luke Conard (Ministry of Magic and All Caps!). They sing songs about LOST. This song is **_**They Took My Son**_**, a song about when the Others kidnapped Walt. I don't know why, but this song reminds me of the whole 'Where's Hiccup?' part of the movie.**

**If you know the song and my lyrics are slightly wrong, I had to type out the song myself and I couldn't hear some parts that well. I used the version I got from iTunes and the version posted on theoceanicsixmusic's YouTube channel, and the lyrics vary slightly.**

_This is never what I pictured_

_When I pictured fatherhood_

_Losing Vincent, all that tension_

_Well I did the best I could_

Stoic had never been close to Hiccup. But telling him he was no longer his son was obviously hard. It was even harder to sail off in search of the nest, the great beast who had just tried to save his son chained and Hiccup watching sadly from the top deck. Hiccup had warned him the Green Death was too big for him to fight, but he hadn't listened. Stoic couldn't help that think that if he had listened to his son, his son wouldn't have just been killed protecting everyone else from the Green Death.

_I had to get us off the island_

_So I built a sturdy raft_

_But out there in the darkness_

_I heard an unfriendly laugh_

_**That's a special kid you got there**_

_**Only we're going to have to take the boy**_

Stoic grimaced as he moved towards the Nightfury, and what might be the only remains of his only son. He had seen many go down, but this was the only time he had ever felt emotion at retrieving the body. A lot of these emotions came from the fact that this body was his son's; even more came from the guilt the situation.

_They took my son_

_They took my son_

_My only son_

_They took my son_

_They took my son_

_My only son_

_(Oh!)_

_(Oh!)_

_Well it isn't complex science_

_Just go down into the hatch_

_And retrieve Benjamin Linus_

_Then bring four Others back_

_Oh I didn't want to shoot them_

_But I had no other choice_

_And so I'll keep on screaming_

_Until I lose my voice_

He fell to his knees. It was impossible; Hiccup was gone. Stoic didn't hear the gasps of the crowd. He didn't hear Astrid's gasp, followed shortly by the gasps of Gobber, Snotlout, Tuffnut, Ruffnut, Fishlegs and the villagers. He didn't hear many Vikings taking off their helmets in respect for his great son. All Stoic heard was his heart thumping in his ears and the slight noise coming from the dragon he know had endless respect for. The beast, Toothier or something, raised an eyebrow at the humans, and his face twitched as he decided Stoic had had enough. He lifted up his went.

_They took my son_

_They took my son_

_My only son_

_They took my son_

_They took my son_

_My only son_

_(Oh!)_

_(Oh!)_

_I sailed away, from the friends that I betrayed_

_**So leave the island, don't ever come back**_

_On the freighter, I can be redeemed_

_**Michael, nothing here is ever what it seems**_

Stoic couldn't find words. Neither could the villagers, but they managed to get out their emotions by screaming and yelling on the top of their lungs. Stoic smiled at the dragon.

"You saved my son."

He nearly jumped as he realized Gobber had walked up behind him.

"Well, most of him, anyway."

_They took my son_

_They took my son_

_My only son_

_They took my son_

_They took my son_

_My only son_

Stoic continued to smile as his son was finally brought on board the only ship not sank. Although the healer informed him the leg would have to be cut off and replaced with an artificial one, his son would live

_And I'm screaming_

_Walt!_

_Walt!_

_Walt!_


	3. Musings Of A Barmaid

I'm usually surrounded by morons. Tonight, I'm surrounded by drunken morons.

"I dare you to do it!"

"Then I'll do it!"

"Then go do it already!"

"Maybe I will!"

The extremely small amount of respect I hold for Snotlout and Tuffnut always disappears when they drink. Ruffnut was just as drunk as them, but she wasn't as out of it as them yet. Fishlegs was repeatedly smashing his head against the table, grumbling about...something. My little sister was slumped against Hiccup, seemingly normal expect for her inability to sit or stand up straight and a random giggle now and then. Last and defiantly my current favourite, Hiccup had barely drank anything and was just shaking his head at Snotlout, Tuffnut and Ruffnut's antics while supporting Astrid and trying to stop Fishlegs from denting the table.

I sighed as Snotlout and Tuffnut started hitting each other and Ruffnut had grabbed Fishlegs around the waist, sat on his lap and didn't seem to be letting go anytime soon. She got very horny when she got drunk

"Axelia!" another giggle escaped Astrid, "More drinks!"

A bunch of wooing came from everyone else. Hiccup seemed to be amused by their antics while I felt like lining up every adult Viking in Berk and knocking them down one by one with Toothless (I don't think Hiccup would mind) for going off on the ships to trade with some far away islands, leaving the village in the hands of roughly thirty teenagers and twenty kids over ten, all of whom wanted to take advantage of the absence of all adults to get drunker then they ever had in their lives. And the only place to get alcohol was the bar that mine and Astrid's parents happened to own. And Astrid was currently too drunk to work.

Being a barmaid was _so easy_.

I unwillingly filled up some more tankards of ale and stalked over to the tables. I threw the tray of drinks down and walked back behind the counter before Snotlout could try to grab me again, what he had done the last couple of times I had brought them more drinks. The hardest part of this was that my head was extremely sensitive and my hair was in two long braids that anyone could easily grab.

"Tough night?" Fishlegs' older brother Fishguts asked me. They looked a lot alike, but Fishguts was thinner from more years of training. Many people told me he had a crush on me, but I didn't believe it. Until last month when I helped him train his Groncle after he helped me saddle Astrid's Nadder, we had hated each other. We could tolerate each other know.

"Your brother's depressed, Ruffnut's defiantly not depressed, Tuffnut and Snotlout are exploding balls of stupidity, Astrid's acting like she's a five year old girl, too many people are flirting with me, I feel like ripping myself to pieces inch by inch, everyone's parents are coming back tomorrow, and me, you and Hiccup are the only ones sober! This night's been just peachy!"

I flinched as Tuffnut, who had somehow gotten on the chandelier without me noticing, fell off the chandelier, "Someone kill me, someone kill me now."


	4. Never Get An Astrid Drunk

**AN: This idea comes from Calico. I actually cracked up laughing at the potential the idea has. I hope I do it justice, but I don't think I will. I can barely keep the characters in my original work in character.**

**Also, Calico, my spell check is stupid. It will occasionally change the words without me knowing. I'm pretty sure it changed 'wing' in They Took My Son into 'went'. To think it's supposed to spell better than me.**

**Also, what's Cheers?**

**Axelia and Fishguts (along with another character of mine named Rawn who might be mentioned later) are from an original work of mine, also about Vikings. I don't know why, but I keep calling Axe by her full name in this when I usually just call her Axe.**

**Second to last-ly, as I write this, I have four reviews on chapter 1 and two on chapter 3. Did no one like chapter 2?**

**And now lastly, any requests/ideas or things/lines you would like to read? I'm trying to think of original ideas, but I'm quickly running out.**

"Good luck!" Axelia called out to Hiccup as he started up the hill, trying to keep in her laughter at the sight. She was failing at this.

It _was_ quite a sight, though. It wasn't too long after midnight but late enough in the morning for the sun to start rising. Hiccup, who had enough trouble going up the hill with one-and-a-half legs, was know supporting a drunk and half-asleep Astrid. They were some of the last people to leave; the only ones left inside were Tuffnut (passed out), Snotlout (nearly passed out; still drinking), Axelia (had to clean up) and Fishguts (took pity on Axelia and decided to help). Fishlegs had already taken a very, very loopy Ruffnut home.

"Neh!" Hiccup intelligently called back. In his opinion, Axelia was evil for making him take Astrid home. He would have rather cleaned up the bar.

"What time is it?" Astrid slurred. Then she erupted into a series of insane giggles.

"Morning."

"Well good morning to you too honey," Astrid had clearly lost her mind. Hiccup was already regretting this. The even worst thing was that Astrid's house, while not as far up as Hiccup's, was pretty far up.

"Lictup?" Astrid asked, "Where are you taking me?" she was starting to sound very sleepy.

"Happy Candy Bear Island, where the trees are made of purple and the sky is chicken."

"It's probably amazing there?" Hiccup nearly impaled himself with his tiny dagger as everything Astrid said turned into a question, "Are we there yet? Wait? Don't tell me?"

He sighed, "Just go to sleep Astrid."

"Who is this Astrid you speak of? My name is Ruffnut?"

It would be a long night...

...that later wouldn't seem so bad when he learned of what happened to Fishlegs as he tried to get Ruffnut home.

**AN: Sorry that it's short.**


	5. Hiccup Abrams and Astrid CohenChang

**AN: Like a lot of people, I love Glee. Mercedes kicks ass, Kurt would totally be my best friend even with my strange fashion sense, I squee for Artina, I hate Puck but he makes me laugh, Emma's word vomit is amazing, 99% of all the songs released on iTunes so far are on my iPod, I wish I was Sue...**

**Anyway, Artie reminds me of Hiccup. Nerdy disabled people unite! But Artie also reminds me of Ben Linus, so...**

**Now the first time we see Artie (I think, not sure), Tina is signing her name and had probably signed Artie's (although it was signed 'Arty Abrams'. Astrid spelling Hiccup' last name wrong in this is a reference to that) because it seemed a little too high for Artie to reach if he couldn't even reach high enough to get his lunch from the lunch lady.**

**Fun Fact: Chris Colfer's, who plays Kurt, only friends in high school were the lunch ladies. They actually went to see him during Glee Live.**

**To explain my 'logic' of who is who:**

**Hiccup-Artie**

**Astrid-Tina**

**Ruffnut-Nova (my character. No one else is crazy enough to be Ruffnut)**

**Fishlegs-Nico (my other character. I need Kurt for...)**

**Tuffnut-Kurt**

**Snotlout-Mercedes**

**If I were to meet them, Snotlout and Tuffnut would kill me.**

**Enjoy!**

**Also, has anybody seen Despicable Me yet? It needs to come to my theatre already! How to Train Your Dragon was here two days after it was released. I'm annoyed.**

No matter how hard he tried, Hiccup could not reach the pen. It was about twenty minutes after the bell had rung and he and the football players and the cheerios were the only ones still there. Luckily the able-bodied were outside, leaving the manual wheelchair using band geek to himself as he tried to grab the pen so he could sign up for glee.

Okay, so it was a long shot that Hiccup would be able to reach the pen, albeit sign his name. He and his mom had gotten hit by a drunk driver back when he was eight, killing her instantly and paralyzing his legs. It would be impossible for him to reach it, but he was stubborn. He fixed his glasses and stretched as far as he could.

"You need help?"

Hiccup nearly jumped out of his chair with surprise but he was more surprised to see who had spoken. Astrid was a quiet but tough goth girl who had a slight speech impediment back in sixth grade, but had gotten over it. She really only talked to the slightly gothic crazy nerd girl Ruffnut.

"Yes please."

She grabbed the pen. He frowned at how easy she had it.

She wrote 'Hiccup Hadock' on the sheet. Then she wrote 'Astrid H'.

"You want to join glee?" Hiccup was a little shocked. Astrid as one of those people who had a chance to be popular.

Astrid shrugged, "I always liked singing."

"How do you know my name?" Hiccup suddenly realized that, although spelled wrong, she didn't need to ask him for his name.

"Just when you came back to school after," she nodded her head towards the chair, "You know, the teacher made this whole speech about not treating you differently but helping you if you needed it."

"Most people ignored that," Hiccup remarked.

"I just happened to remember your name."

"So what are you auditioning with?" he asked as they walked/rolled down the hall without realizing they were walking/rolling together.

"I'm not sure yet. You?"

"I was thinking about singing 'Dancing with myself'..."

**AN: So short! Why can't I write long things!**


End file.
